Why leading can feel so lonely (and what to do about it)

As both an executive and a recruiter/friend to senior executives in a variety of industries, the highs and lows of leadership do not escape me.

The drive to achieve a vision – to operate at the highest strategic levels and help shape the future of an organisation – is inspiring and rewarding. Yet it’s far from easy, with ongoing challenges involving managing risk, governance, finances, people, and countless other complexities.

What is less talked about though is the sense of loneliness that often accompanies these senior roles. Put simply, the higher you go, the lonelier you get. We see this proven time and again with workplace studies such as this one, which found senior leaders are twice as likely to report feelings of isolation compared to other employees.

Why are leaders lonely?

Many factors contribute to leadership loneliness, such as:

• Feeling the need to maintain appropriate boundaries
• Balancing confidentiality and seniority
• Not wanting to appear vulnerable
• Having fewer peers and a lack of confidantes

As a leader you might feel you can no longer speak as freely as you once did with your peers, because your words now carry more weight. Your feelings about any situation often have to be kept to yourself or carefully filtered before you can share them with the people around you.

This is a common (and sometimes unexpected) aspect of senior leadership, and is something I’ve encountered in my own way at certain points in my career. Be it moving from a sub-committee Chair to board level in a non-profit, or from a manager to an Executive Officer sitting on committees alongside C-suite executives from top ASX-listed companies, I’ve certainly experienced how the dynamics change as you go up the ladder.

Now in a senior role at HorizonOne and at the executive management table, I’m also fortunate to spend a lot of time with senior executives who have partnered with me as their recruiter. Through these conversations, I gain insight into the challenges they’re facing and appreciate being someone they trust enough to speak openly with about what’s going on for them.

What I’ve also come to value from these relationships is seeing first-hand the strategies that effectively address those challenges. And when it comes to loneliness, there is one that stands out most.

Create a vision. Build a tribe.

Leaders are naturally visionary. They like to live in the future and work backwards to plot a path in the present for how they will get there.

This same brilliance can be applied to feelings of loneliness, especially for new leaders who may be caught off guard by the personal challenges leadership brings. After all, you create a strategic plan for your organisation – why not create one for yourself? Identify the problem, then envision the solution that would address it in a meaningful way for you.

For some, the solution is to reshape their expectations around leadership. For others, it’s to improve their soft leadership skills such as resilience, communication, and conflict resolution through training. But for most leaders I’ve worked with over the years, the best solution is to build a new tribe of their own. A tribe of people who get what they’re going through, and can offer genuine insight while being a trusted sounding board.

These people could be:

• CEOs in an industry network
• An executive coach or mentor
• Family or friends in current or past senior executive positions
• Members of an association or board you join

And hey, it could even be your recruiter! A good recruiter will genuinely care about being part of the ecosystem of people looking out for you while you’re looking out for others. I know this because I do it – catching up with senior executives for coffee just to talk work and life with no other agenda.

Initially, you may only need a few good people to start building your new tribe. Once you do though, it can make a world of difference to your leadership journey and your feelings of loneliness. There is something very cool about bringing together likeminded visionaries who share your values and aspirations, and can give you support and encouragement when you need it most.